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Friday, April 15, 2011

Making Men Kneel Before me: Dragon Age II

Demon Lord here. Because I cannot even begin to discuss the utter betrayal of not getting the editor position, today I am writing about a new epic where I was able to wield my manhood over hordes of angry boys. Of course, I will say the fact that it is an outsider is still significantly better than it being Ryan McCord...anyway, "Dragon Age 2" is what I speak of. Mind you and this is important, I was not able to be a demon. This is a nearly unforgivable weakness in the mind of this writer. It took a great deal of time for me to come to terms with my smooth, supple, human skin. I couldn't imagine a fantasy world where I was made up of mere mortal man parts. However, I was finally able to come to terms with this once I delved into the game play. "Dragon Age II" presented me with an interesting combination of action game play and an in depth role playing experience. Once I figured out how to lay waste to every man that came at me, I was hooked. They just kept coming and coming and coming and I relished every moment. To me there is nothing quite like a bunch of angry men coming at you. It was appealing. Splendid even. I handled their forward attempts to make me submit with ease. I am however a gaming god. Let us not forget that. This isn't the first time I have had a man on his knees before me...and it won't be the last. The interpersonal connections you can forge between the characters enrich the gaming experience. It is however very difficult to get any of the men to engage in biblical relations. I don't know about that last part personally, I heard it from somebody else. I wouldn't try to do that! That's sick! Why would you think that I tried to do that! I DIDN'T!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I WANT TO HAVE THE SEX WITH FEMALES, DAMN IT!!!! Demon Lord out.

Monday, April 4, 2011

That's Right, Editor B*tch! And Shadow Harvest

Today there was very exciting news handed down from the boss man. It seems we have garnered funding for a real print magazine! Check out to see the announcement. Episode one will make it all clear. No more just reviewing games online, we are going to see our bylines on shelves all over the world. While this might seem like a little thing, what I know is an editor will be named and it's going to to be me. Who else could handle coverage on such complex and challenging games in a legitimate format?

Ryan might think he is all that with his stupid girly avatar, but when it comes down to it, the gaming world needs a strong male leader. One with bulging biceps, abs of steel, thighs bigger than his waist, and an ass that could crack a walnut. This power will just propel him into and through any obstacle to take the gaming world and ProGamer by storm. He can oogle his pinup girls all he wants but those girls will flock behind my strong, burly man lead.

I feel my ascension to the heights of editor is as predictable as the epic fail of Shadow Harvest: Phantom Ops. This week people will flock to the stores to purchase the game, proving yet again, that we gamers are so desperate for good material they will try anything the once. The boards were alive with how horrible the trailer looked, yet people won't be able to resist trying it out. It's awful, from start to finish. The little cheat sheet glowing lights around the targets? Seriously? You can't dumb things down for us, we are way more skilled than that. I would say save your money for something better, because you will be all alone in the world of Shadow Harvest while everyone else plays a real game. You can see the trailer here: Shadow Harvest: Phantom Ops , that should be enough to make you walk away.

Demon Lord out.